Tagged: marriage counseling

If You Leave Your Husband, You’re Gonna Ruin Everything

I mean, YOU’RE the one who married him. You made this bad marriage bed — now it’s your duty to lie in it.

Your husband was just an innocent bystander trusting the fact that you loved him. It’s no wonder he’s so angry all the time. You mislead him.

You THOUGHT you loved him. He seemed like a decent enough guy. Now you’re fantasizing about leaving?

How selfish. How cruel. Poor guy, it’s not his fault. If he calls you names, you deserve it. He’s just frustrated. He’s just having a bad day. You need to be a good wife. You need to show your kids that you stand by your man no matter what.

Seriously. Are you having sex with him enough? Oh. Well there you go. That’s the problem. You need to show him you love him. Men have needs. Withholding sex is cruel you know. You really need to put your feelings aside here. It’s about him right now. Not you.

Remember. YOU married him. If you’re patient with him enough he’ll come around. I don’t mean to be cruel but that’s the reality.

Does the above bullshit sound familiar?

That’s what’s going through your brain, right? That it’s your fault? Well it’s not just you thinking this — it’s society. The amount of pressure that a woman has to endure to maintain a happy marriage is fucking bull shit.

I remember a time when I was at a party with my ex-husband when the cops showed up because of the noise level. My ex was almost black out drunk and he was getting really belligerent with the cops. He was in their face yelling and calling them pigs.

Guess what the cops did?

They turned to me and said, “Can’t you control your husband?”

I know, right? Sure, cops. All I have to say is the magic word and my husband will behave like an angel. I know this because I’m a woman and I’m magical. Yes, cops. It’s my fault and I apologize for my lack of control over my husband.

You know what, ladies? This is patriarichal bullshit. It’s time to turn that thinking around. If your man is misbehaving, it’s not your fault. If you tried to talk to him about your marriage and he didn’t listen, it’s not your fault. If he’s not respecting you, then he’s breaking his marriage vows. If he’s not trying to make the marriage work, then he’s not holding up his end of the bargain.

You, as an independent, autonomous person OF VALUE, can tell him that he’s not an active participant in the marriage and it’s over. Yes, it’s difficult when there’s children involved — I’ve been there, I know this — but believe it or not, it’s better for your children to see you stand up for yourself and leave then to stay in a sad, wasted marriage.

I cannot tell you how many emails and comments I’ve been getting where women are asking for help.

If marriage counseling is not working, or if he refuses to go — if he refuses to hear you — if you feel alone in your marriage — please do the following:

Get a pad of paper and a pen. Write down what would make you happy. Make a list. What do you want in life? A better education? A  better job? An understanding partner? A better life for your kids?

Don’t short-change yourself. Write down all of your desires.

Next write down all of your resources. This includes finances, trusted family members, and phone numbers to community resources.

Make a plan. Talk to people you can trust.

A plan that’s in place will help propel you forward.

Please continue to keep me updated, or contact me if you need to vent!

Much love to you ladies!