I mean, YOU’RE the one who married him. You made this bad marriage bed — now it’s your duty to lie in it.
Your husband was just an innocent bystander trusting the fact that you loved him. It’s no wonder he’s so angry all the time. You mislead him.
You THOUGHT you loved him. He seemed like a decent enough guy. Now you’re fantasizing about leaving?
How selfish. How cruel. Poor guy, it’s not his fault. If he calls you names, you deserve it. He’s just frustrated. He’s just having a bad day. You need to be a good wife. You need to show your kids that you stand by your man no matter what.
Seriously. Are you having sex with him enough? Oh. Well there you go. That’s the problem. You need to show him you love him. Men have needs. Withholding sex is cruel you know. You really need to put your feelings aside here. It’s about him right now. Not you.
Remember. YOU married him. If you’re patient with him enough he’ll come around. I don’t mean to be cruel but that’s the reality.
Does the above bullshit sound familiar?
That’s what’s going through your brain, right? That it’s your fault? Well it’s not just you thinking this — it’s society. The amount of pressure that a woman has to endure to maintain a happy marriage is fucking bull shit.
I remember a time when I was at a party with my ex-husband when the cops showed up because of the noise level. My ex was almost black out drunk and he was getting really belligerent with the cops. He was in their face yelling and calling them pigs.
Guess what the cops did?
They turned to me and said, “Can’t you control your husband?”
I know, right? Sure, cops. All I have to say is the magic word and my husband will behave like an angel. I know this because I’m a woman and I’m magical. Yes, cops. It’s my fault and I apologize for my lack of control over my husband.
You know what, ladies? This is patriarichal bullshit. It’s time to turn that thinking around. If your man is misbehaving, it’s not your fault. If you tried to talk to him about your marriage and he didn’t listen, it’s not your fault. If he’s not respecting you, then he’s breaking his marriage vows. If he’s not trying to make the marriage work, then he’s not holding up his end of the bargain.
You, as an independent, autonomous person OF VALUE, can tell him that he’s not an active participant in the marriage and it’s over. Yes, it’s difficult when there’s children involved — I’ve been there, I know this — but believe it or not, it’s better for your children to see you stand up for yourself and leave then to stay in a sad, wasted marriage.
I cannot tell you how many emails and comments I’ve been getting where women are asking for help.
If marriage counseling is not working, or if he refuses to go — if he refuses to hear you — if you feel alone in your marriage — please do the following:
Get a pad of paper and a pen. Write down what would make you happy. Make a list. What do you want in life? A better education? A better job? An understanding partner? A better life for your kids?
Don’t short-change yourself. Write down all of your desires.
Next write down all of your resources. This includes finances, trusted family members, and phone numbers to community resources.
Make a plan. Talk to people you can trust.
A plan that’s in place will help propel you forward.
Please continue to keep me updated, or contact me if you need to vent!
Much love to you ladies!
Is your New Year’s resolution to leave your husband? Well you’re in the right place!
This how-to guide is in reference to my first marriage. My second marriage — which I’m currently in and forever shall remain because my husband is fucking amazing — has nothing to do with this post.
Step #1. Realize your husband is an asshole who will never change. This may take years to figure out because women have this romantic notion in their head that they can change a man — thanks to fairy-tales like Beauty and the Beast. And your husband may not be a complete asshole which makes leaving harder because he has other good qualities that blind you to his big asshole qualities that aren’t really worth putting up with — which was my situation.
Step #2. If you want to end your marriage and your husband isn’t an asshole and is a really nice guy, then that means you’re the asshole. So own it. Sometimes it takes years to realize you’re the asshole because human beings have egos and have a tendency to be assholes.
Step #3. Make a plan. If you have kids this is essential. To be serious for a moment, I was in a bad place. No college education to speak of. A spotty work history. No money. Two kids. BUT I had family. An amazing immediate and extended family to take me in and help me get on my feet. If you don’t have a supportive family then you need to take advantage of additional resources and websites such as singlemom.com.
Step #4. Get. A. Lawyer. And consult a lawyer before you leave him (unless you’re in a domestic violence situation — in that case you need to leave ASAP). I did not do this. I wanted to avoid coming across as a bulldog — as a mean ex-wife. I wanted to be nice. After all, I was breaking the mans heart. I didn’t want a scary lawyer to come in and make my soon-to-be-ex-husband feel bad. Bull-shit. If you have the financial resources — get that lawyer. My family offered to pay for one, but I wanted to play nice and that really did me a disservice. I went forward with a “do-it-yourself” divorce. DO NOT DO THIS. I essentially had no knowledge of my rights, no knowledge of child support requirements, how to split assets and debts, etc. I was basically stupid and stubborn — which is what got me into the dead-end marriage in the first place.
Step #5. After your plan is in place — where you’re going to live, making sure you have access to money, acquiring a lawyer, etc. — leave. Split. Get out (Unless of course you have the ability to throw his shit out of the house first.) Yes, it’s hard. You’ll cry your eyes out even though your husband was an asshole — because leaving your comfort zone is never fun. Willfully venturing into the unknown is terrifying. But it’s brave. And if your marriage is truly a shitty one, and if children are involved — then it is essential that you leave. Don’t let your little ones grow up around an unhappy, tumultuous relationship. Your daughters and sons need to see you be strong — to see you take the independent step out into the world — to stand up for yourself — to know women deserve respect.
Step #6. Get back on your feet — financially. And yes, this could take years. It took me five years because I had to go to college. If you already have a solid education and work background, then this will be much easier for you. Again, there are many resources for this. Use them. I was lucky enough to receive a Pell Grant that covered almost all my educational expenses — including full-time childcare for my daughter.
Step #7. Get back on your feet — emotionally. If you want to be a good parent, if you want to move on in the relationship department — you have to do a lot of soul-searching. Your husband may have been an asshole, but you also contributed some negativity to the marriage. What was that? What qualities about yourself can you change — improve on? And if you were the asshole in the relationship then you REALLY need to do some soul-searching. And the soul-searching can take years. But it’s essential that you re-discover your identity as a single woman. Because a failed marriage changes a person — but it’s usually for the better.
Now go on and git yerself divorced! And Happy New Year!